I never thought I would ever be telling my story, let alone writing it down and posting it for the world to read. Something inside me is telling me I am going to be alright now that I have found the courage to talk about my silent grief. I can use all the excuses in the world, the way it was conceived, I was drugged, I was raped there is nothing I can say to take this pain away knowing I killed a helpless defenceless innocent baby because I wasn’t strong enough.
...In some way Rachel's Vineyard has brought me closure and made me aware I need to grieve for that child I once carried nine years ago...
Nine years of holding on to the shame so afraid of people finding out what I had done. If someone had of sat me down in front of a television and played out the past nine years of my life and told me this is how miserable and hurt you would be, this is what is ahead of you if you do this! I would have never walked through the doors of that clinic.
I could have got help for the rape, there is no help for this and I will carry the regret to my grave, it comes and goes but it will never leave me. When I had the abortion I told myself I don’t deserve any help for the rape, the abortion made me feel worse than the rape did. Pam Stenzel herself who was conceived through rape wrote “I did not deserve the death penalty for my father’s crime”. I was raped and I am so glad abortion is not here in Ireland, the evil and lies hasn’t touched our shores and I pray it never will.
Something in me also died that day, I wasn’t the same person after the abortion, my heart hardened and the light in my soul darkened. Only now am I able to grieve for my child and give her a name “Lilly”. I can openly grieve for her with other people who have suffered because of abortion, at Rachel’s vineyard some of these women had their abortions 20 years ago and it’s still affecting them.
In some way Rachel’s Vineyard has brought me closure and made me aware I need to grieve for that child I once carried nine years ago. If you ever are faced with this situation my advice is talk to someone first there is other options, stop and think…